frustration

i am happy. 90% of the time. the other 10% i am lonely or frustrated. i am wondering if there is a solution to my problem at all. i am coming up to a different type of anniversary. one year in a relationship. this is big for me. and the relationship is going well, we are even moving overseas together next year.

i feel safe and loved and unsatisfied. the one thing that we cannot get right is the sex. i wish it were easier i wish it was something that could just happen for me but it is so hard. don't get me wrong it feels good, it just doesn't feel amazing.

two nights ago i cried so hard because i just felt so badly that this was the undoing. i worry that this will break us. i want it to be different and i want it to work but how is it supposed to get better if neither of us know what we like, how to get it or anything about what we are doing???

i need help! but where do i get it?

anniversary.

four years ago tonight...and i still want to cry.

happy new year.

well so much has happened in the last few months. the wolf is no longer. i realised after all that that there was really nothing in it. it was the strangest feeling of relief that i've ever felt when he didn't have feelings for me.

it let me feel so much else.

and then out of nowhere a friend. an amazing wonderful man became mine. i can't think of any way to describe him... he is just awesome. he understands me and makes me feel safe. he is my turtle.

i am amazed and surprised at the feelings i have. i don't feel scared, i feel nervous but safe and nothing about him terrifies me. it makes me realise how unimportant the wolf was, how little i truly felt for him...the feelings i have now are letting me explore. i am comfortable and the turtle is the reason.

i can see now that when you love someone, when you really trust them things just happen. things did just fall into place. i feel so lucky. its like all the barriers to my fears are falling away. and he's not scared of my fears either. even though he knows all of them.

over the new year i went away with some friends. we went camping and had a tarp city...it flooded but we were saved by a nymph. she spirited us away on a trip out of the wilderness. it was amazing.

everyone swam in a pool of glitter in front of my eyes and the world was magickal. my turtle told me he loved me. i felt and still feel good. amazing. whole.

i finally feel whimsical. i am in love.

fantasy or fear...?

its funny that in the beginning i thought this would be a whimsical piece of nonsense and its turned out to be anything but. i guess nothing in my life is filled with much whimsy.

i just had a mild panic attack over a fantasy. i was thinking about what it might be like to have sex with the wolf and then went into the dangerous thoughts of the rape and how i might get over that.

i have for so long had a crush on the wolf but am too nervous of my own mind and what a relationship might mean for me that i freak at every possible point of saying something.

for me the thought of having sex is totally unimaginable and terrifying. the thought of being intimate is ok but when it comes to thinking of actual sex with a real man i panic. still. even when its just me in bed. the thing i am most scared of i think is that he wouldn't understand. that he would think it was nothing and that i should be over it.

how does the thought of me having sex in the same position as when i was raped still have this effect on me. its not even really happening. it is just my fantasy. even the idea of doing this with someone i love and trust made me panic. the fantasy. just the fantasy. when i am clearly in a safe place in my bedroom. i can't even begin to think about what repercussions the reality might bring.

i think maybe i need to tell him. about me. or something. but i don't know how. how is such a difficult one.

pink or pale.

who really knows which way thinks are going to go? are you going to take a chance and be eft pink or pale. who really can tell. taking a chance is one of those things-sometimes its easy and sometimes its so hard. it feels like everyone is studying you to see what your next move will be.

i know that it is the nature of my friends. they like to be in the loop and generally speaking everyone can read me like an open book. but i can't read anyone else. at least not anyone that i want to be able to read.

the difficult boy to read, he's like a wolf. dark and open, full of mystery and magic. he holds a certain shy protective power. i am terrified of what this means. i want to be daring and just pull him in to me and kiss him. but i don't know how. i'm worried that it will turn out to be too much. that i can't handle it. but i wont know until i try will i?

recently i've been so all over the place. i don't know how to put someone else into that. i guess i also feel like if i don't try these things i won't make any progress. and my god do i want to make progress.

i just want to kiss him. feel his skin against mine. i think this is normal.

at this point i really wish that someone read this. they could give me some advice. i could definitely do with some advice.

loneliness

sometimes i feel so lonely that its almost as if there's no hope for anything.

there is a boy, i've probably referred to him before. and i really like him. but it only feels like its going somewhere about half of the time. i want to tell him that i like him but i'm afraid, i totally don't know where i stand with him.

and then there is this other boy that thinks i'm cute. which is a bit annoying but also good. i like that thats what he saw rather than sexy or anything else. but i don't know him at all. and i do have to admit that i was attracted to him when i met him but i've invested so much time thinking of the other boy.

everyone is at school. and i'm not and i'm ok with that but i do miss some of my friends who are just constantly studying.

i am feeling like a very unfortunate person of late-everything seems to be falling apart. and yet i've managed to talk about the drama of having two boys that i could potentially be interested in. clearly i'm a mushy mushy girl. either that or i am skimming so as not to think about the more scary aspects of life.

i feel like everyone is gone and i am left all alone in the middle. life is hard and its getting harder.  and i am sitting in the bottom of the shower crying.

all this stuff seems rather trivial really. but the truth is i am depressed. i am falling through the floor, and on monday i started my birthday with an hour long session of tears. something isn't quite right. so fixating on the trivial is what i do. it gets me through. it also makes me very lonely.

empty.

somewhat anyway. i feel like i don't really have any emotions left. any sense of who i am and where i am going emotionally. its almost as if its been sucked dry. and i know that i am in a critically creative spot. but i really don't feel like i'm feeling anything. i don't know if that is normal or not?

i get really tired and i want to just curl up in a ball and cry but its like there are no tears to cry. its like i can't reach that level of emotion. i'm still laughing though so i guess its ok. i really need to talk to some friends. have a good honest conversation with them but i almost feel like i've forgotten how. like i've been covering for myself for so long now, thinking about everyone else and i've forgotten how to process my own life.

i want to talk to the piano man about this. but i don't feel i know him well enough. i also want to talk to bird, i worry though that we haven't talked in awhile and i hate to overwhelm people. i hate to bring them down. i hope she wants to know. sleepovers with them both are required i feel. i also miss peg.

life feels just like a heartless bitch right now. i cancelled therapy tomorrow, unsure as to whether this is a good or bad sign.