its funny that in the beginning i thought this would be a whimsical piece of nonsense and its turned out to be anything but. i guess nothing in my life is filled with much whimsy.
i just had a mild panic attack over a fantasy. i was thinking about what it might be like to have sex with the wolf and then went into the dangerous thoughts of the rape and how i might get over that.
i have for so long had a crush on the wolf but am too nervous of my own mind and what a relationship might mean for me that i freak at every possible point of saying something.
for me the thought of having sex is totally unimaginable and terrifying. the thought of being intimate is ok but when it comes to thinking of actual sex with a real man i panic. still. even when its just me in bed. the thing i am most scared of i think is that he wouldn't understand. that he would think it was nothing and that i should be over it.
how does the thought of me having sex in the same position as when i was raped still have this effect on me. its not even really happening. it is just my fantasy. even the idea of doing this with someone i love and trust made me panic. the fantasy. just the fantasy. when i am clearly in a safe place in my bedroom. i can't even begin to think about what repercussions the reality might bring.
i think maybe i need to tell him. about me. or something. but i don't know how. how is such a difficult one.
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