loneliness

sometimes i feel so lonely that its almost as if there's no hope for anything.

there is a boy, i've probably referred to him before. and i really like him. but it only feels like its going somewhere about half of the time. i want to tell him that i like him but i'm afraid, i totally don't know where i stand with him.

and then there is this other boy that thinks i'm cute. which is a bit annoying but also good. i like that thats what he saw rather than sexy or anything else. but i don't know him at all. and i do have to admit that i was attracted to him when i met him but i've invested so much time thinking of the other boy.

everyone is at school. and i'm not and i'm ok with that but i do miss some of my friends who are just constantly studying.

i am feeling like a very unfortunate person of late-everything seems to be falling apart. and yet i've managed to talk about the drama of having two boys that i could potentially be interested in. clearly i'm a mushy mushy girl. either that or i am skimming so as not to think about the more scary aspects of life.

i feel like everyone is gone and i am left all alone in the middle. life is hard and its getting harder.  and i am sitting in the bottom of the shower crying.

all this stuff seems rather trivial really. but the truth is i am depressed. i am falling through the floor, and on monday i started my birthday with an hour long session of tears. something isn't quite right. so fixating on the trivial is what i do. it gets me through. it also makes me very lonely.