its 4.30 in the morning. four hours until i start work and i am awake, flying and feeling like this is the only moment in which the room will be quite this still, this perfect for just listening and being, that its impossible to sleep through it.
its a time for antony and the johnsons and also beck. its a time i'm most glad i bought my record player and amp. i love sitting in the sounds with the world completely silent. since i live in the city this is about the only time of the day this ever happens. i'm happy. the prospect of possibility is all i can think of. i also feel very peaceful. recently i've felt a little devoid emotionally which makes this peace especially quiet, the pain thats always there is a bit dull. i can't tell if this is because i'm taking anti-depressants or if this is just a natural seven week swing of depression pulling me up. it has been about the right time for both really.
depression can be the swirling sinking plug hole to me, right in the dip there. pulling me down and making sure i stay weighed at the bottom. and it can so easily almost drown me but it also kindof wants me to survive. depression is like a parasite so it wants to milk all the life out of me that it can. kill me slowly it can also be a rainbow dance. spinning all around me and being a frantic frenzy of messy social occasions and hyperactive activity. and i'm almost happy. and then i get tired. and its back down the plug hole for me.
i have recently made a beautiful new friend. i've now known her for several years but just recently really got to know her as a true friend. she is so lovely and i feel really happy to have her as a friend. i worry for her but i can see that she is really strong, even though she can't, and i know that she can deal with any kind of swirling sinking rainbow that could at some point take her over. and its amazing. she is amazing. i know what she's thinking and it all just disappears and its like i can see under it. and it makes me wonder if some other people are like that with me. if they see things that have long since disappeared for me because i am so depressed. i actually just thought those things were gone. i figured that they had disappeared while i was fixing myself. i don't know.
i am too deep. hold on i'll try to pull myself out with some neko case. sad but uplifting.
peaceful. again. a different type. but peaceful.
i stole some gloves so i would get to see the person who owns them again. i know this is sneaky and either aggressive or slightly desperate but right now i don't care. its resulted in a lunch invitation. now i have to just worry that he might know that i like him, or think i'm crazy. gloves.
they're really ridiculous gloves on me to be honest. they're massive and have this fingerless section underneath a mitten section that you can pin back. and obviously they're guy size so they are absolutely massive on me. and finally, they're dark grey and as such clash with almost everything i own.
i think the last statement is something that not a lot of people are able to say. this is only of mild concern. something that i am mildly concerned about is that i only have an hour and half before i have to get up now. i really should go back to sleep. last day of work tomorrow and i'm flying as high as a kite and 5 in the morning. ha.
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