drugs

sometimes i feel like the only time i am normal is when i take drugs. i don't take serious drugs. its not like i'm a heroin addict but there definitely is a calm in the crazy when i am at the peak of a drug. be it smoking, drinking, taking a trip or calming my fears with a sedative.  drugs are everywhere in my life.

( i just wrote a massive long piece of drivel and decided to delete it because it sounded all up in the clouds. fuck me. )

and i think that  now maybe. i should go to sleep.
yes. i will. goodnight.

ps. i'm in a right shit state. i'm sad all the time. the times that i'm happy i'm tripping over a buzzy side effect from my anti-depressants - i think i'm losing it. i don't really know when this happened. i thought a did. maybe it just built up slowly until now. i got used to it so didn't really notice that i was losing it until just now. when it might already be gone.

playgrounds and memories.

this weekend i went home. i was really nervous to go as i haven't seen anyone in my family for about nine months now. it was a very hard day. i felt very much on the outskirts of things and it was really stressful. everything spun. a lot. i ended up taking a walk with my cousin and we went to my old kindergarten.

there are so many fun memories from that kindy. and after all these years it almost hasn't changed at all. i can still see myself tipping bubble-mix in my eyes and singing 'achy breaky heart' with actions. now as a twenty-one year old nutcase i broke down at that kindy. the stress of all my family and all the overwhelming things of the day fell out of me like i was four years old again.

i am not really ok. this is something that i know. it is a ridiculously silly time for me to be going to sydney to be doing anything where i have to plan. to be doing anything where i am not just chilled. i am freaking out. i have been for awhile. maybe i should take a break. but when. sydney was supposed to be the break but now its this huge daunting thing that is just making me even more scared. fuck.

swirling and sinking. rainbow dance.

its 4.30 in the morning. four hours until i start work and i am awake, flying and feeling like this is the only moment in which the room will be quite this still, this perfect for just listening and being, that its impossible to sleep through it.

its a time for antony and the johnsons and also beck. its a time i'm most glad i bought my record player and amp. i love sitting in the sounds with the world completely silent. since i live in the city this is about the only time of the day this ever happens. i'm happy. the prospect of possibility is all i can think of. i also feel very peaceful. recently i've felt a little devoid emotionally which makes this peace especially quiet, the pain thats always there is a bit dull. i can't tell if this is because i'm taking anti-depressants or if this is just a natural seven week swing of depression pulling me up. it has been about the right time for both really.

depression can be the swirling sinking plug hole to me, right in the dip there. pulling me down and making sure i stay weighed at the bottom. and it can so easily almost drown me but it also kindof wants me to survive. depression is like a parasite so it wants to milk all the life out of me that it can. kill me slowly it can also be a rainbow dance. spinning all around me and being a frantic frenzy of messy social occasions and hyperactive activity. and i'm almost happy. and then i get tired. and its back down the plug hole for me.

i have recently made a beautiful new friend. i've now known her for several years but just recently really got to know her as a true friend. she is so lovely and i feel really happy to have her as a friend. i worry for her but i can see that she is really strong, even though she can't, and i know that she can deal with any kind of swirling sinking rainbow that could at some point take her over. and its amazing. she is amazing. i know what she's thinking and it all just disappears and its like i can see under it. and it makes me wonder if some other people are like that with me. if they see things that have long since disappeared for me because i am so depressed. i actually just thought those things were gone. i figured that they had disappeared while i was fixing myself. i don't know.

i am too deep. hold on i'll try to pull myself out with some neko case. sad but uplifting.

peaceful. again. a different type. but peaceful.

i stole some gloves so i would get to see the person who owns them again. i know this is sneaky and either aggressive or slightly desperate but right now i don't care. its resulted in a lunch invitation. now i have to just worry that he might know that i like him, or think i'm crazy. gloves.

they're really ridiculous gloves on me to be honest. they're massive and have this fingerless section underneath a mitten section that you can pin back. and obviously they're guy size so they are absolutely massive on me. and finally, they're dark grey and as such clash with almost everything i own.

i think the last statement is something that not a lot of people are able to say. this is only of mild concern. something that i am mildly concerned about is that i only have an hour and half before i have to get up now. i really should go back to sleep. last day of work tomorrow and i'm flying as high as a kite and 5 in the morning. ha.

piano man and my rollercoaster...

i have this amazing friend, the piano man. i haven't known him for very long but also feel that i've known him forever. he's such a well-fitting friend. i feel one hundred percent at home around him which is saying a lot because its me. i think it helps that he's gay. i'm not worried about it.

he asked me not long ago what i thought life was like? i sat there for a minute and thought about it. a very vivid image came into my head...strings and sparkles of brightly coloured dots flying through the air being tossed and flipped and left behind by the black rollercoaster on white tracks. this is the perfect depiction of my life. and i'd never thought about it until that second and the funny thing is, for me, that image is comforting. i like knowing that i am sometimes the confetti and sometimes the rollercoaster. i'm sometimes the collective confetti and sometimes just one piece. i am ever changing, sometimes in control and sometimes flying so far out of the realms of control that there's no stopping me. i now know that at some point again i'll always be the rollercoaster and while i'm being thrown around it can either be awesome or it can be terrible, but there's no knowing until you're there. and there's no stopping the rollercoaster. it will go. the confetti will fly and dance, cry and sing. the confetti will let go and live the life they have. with all their heart.

the piano man makes me realise things that i never knew about myself. things that frame me so well and are so lovely. he makes me feel like i'm making progress. on sunday i gave him a ride home and he asked me in to see his house. i ended up listening to him play beautiful music on his piano for hours. my heart filled up and my soul danced. the music sat within me, filling me up. warming me. i do not really know how to articulate what that felt like for me. to feel my soul dance. my soul hasn't danced all by itself in a long time.

for those short hours, my soul danced. i love him for it.

fever and smoke

i have a fever. i started the day high and happy in my escapism. right now my head hurts so much that there's not a single thought, just fog.