the experiment...

life right now is unusual. full of stuff that is a bit unnecessary. and not really going anywhere.

i want to run around naked and go swimming i want to float my life away being whimsical and frivolous. i want to have someone that i can be close with, spoon have sex and experiment with. life is one big experiment to me. on me.

life in the past was not going outside after dusk, not taking the bus unless totally necessary, being too tired to walk anywhere because i hadn't eaten enough. of objectifying control as happiness and everything else as terrifying.

i miss the ability to do what i want. experimenting on myself is the only way that i can make sure i don't sink. its a new form of control. its more dangerous and fun.

its funny though. the small tasks are easy. the problem is separating my brain from my body. even though i am wanting to see how far i can go i don't want anyone to get hurt in the process. for example the idea of friends with benefits is something i am very interested in. however my status as a victim of rape means i have specific requirements. the friend needs to be understanding and know when I'm not ok. they need to be a good enough friend that I am entirely comfortable with them but at the same time not such a good friend that i am afraid of ruining the friendship or of that person potentially becoming interested in a more substantial thing and therefore being hurt. so how do we find someone like this?? how is this a possibility. i also need to be sexually attracted to them. sexual attraction is something i have yet to find in an available man.

i am dissatisfied with my progress. how am i supposed to have sex in the rain if i can't find an available man to have it with.

damn those good looking men with the chiseled jaw lines and serious girlfriends. or even just girlfriends. or boyfriends for that matter.

experiments and sex. these things are what i want. partying in a bathing suit aside. i want more.