the damn inner child theory has been prescribed to me yet again. complete with visualisations and exercises to complete everyday. its not that i don't subscribe to the inner child theory, i feel it has some merits but realistically there's only so much you can do talking to yourself and imagining things.
there isn't really any space in my head for a small sad child.
to be honest i also already practice some of the things that the inner child theory suggests as self love. for example...playing on swings, writing a diary, watch the sunrise, go to bed early, have baths, take scenic drives and masturbate.
so a regular day then.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
contact.
i miss human contact. the feeling of someones hands running around your waist, snaking up your spine really drawing you in. skin on skin the smoothness of it. why is it so hard to find. i'm not asking for a full on relationship. just full on body contact. is that so much to ask. really.
i wish i were braver. i wish i could just go up to a man i am attracted to and kiss him and see where it goes. but its the damn feelings things again. what if he has a girlfriend or what if he's gay (that would be awkward, and some of the hot ones are gay) anyway i seem to be thinking far more of other people than myself.
my challenge for the next two weeks is to kiss a boy. just have to pick the right someone.
theres a tick next to my previous challenge...go to a party in a state of semi-dress, my swimsuit, and be ok with it. massive challenge, easy to achieve. once i got over people staring it was fine. then they got used to it and stopped staring and partied with me. simple.
the kiss challenge is something i've done before. it was fine. terrible kiss. but i'm thinking i need to go for someone with a little bit more experience in the kissing slash dating slash ravishing someone stakes.
a kiss is simple. what i want is a kiss that leads to some potential human contact down the line.
i wish i were braver. i wish i could just go up to a man i am attracted to and kiss him and see where it goes. but its the damn feelings things again. what if he has a girlfriend or what if he's gay (that would be awkward, and some of the hot ones are gay) anyway i seem to be thinking far more of other people than myself.
my challenge for the next two weeks is to kiss a boy. just have to pick the right someone.
theres a tick next to my previous challenge...go to a party in a state of semi-dress, my swimsuit, and be ok with it. massive challenge, easy to achieve. once i got over people staring it was fine. then they got used to it and stopped staring and partied with me. simple.
the kiss challenge is something i've done before. it was fine. terrible kiss. but i'm thinking i need to go for someone with a little bit more experience in the kissing slash dating slash ravishing someone stakes.
a kiss is simple. what i want is a kiss that leads to some potential human contact down the line.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
the experiment...
life right now is unusual. full of stuff that is a bit unnecessary. and not really going anywhere.
i want to run around naked and go swimming i want to float my life away being whimsical and frivolous. i want to have someone that i can be close with, spoon have sex and experiment with. life is one big experiment to me. on me.
life in the past was not going outside after dusk, not taking the bus unless totally necessary, being too tired to walk anywhere because i hadn't eaten enough. of objectifying control as happiness and everything else as terrifying.
i miss the ability to do what i want. experimenting on myself is the only way that i can make sure i don't sink. its a new form of control. its more dangerous and fun.
its funny though. the small tasks are easy. the problem is separating my brain from my body. even though i am wanting to see how far i can go i don't want anyone to get hurt in the process. for example the idea of friends with benefits is something i am very interested in. however my status as a victim of rape means i have specific requirements. the friend needs to be understanding and know when I'm not ok. they need to be a good enough friend that I am entirely comfortable with them but at the same time not such a good friend that i am afraid of ruining the friendship or of that person potentially becoming interested in a more substantial thing and therefore being hurt. so how do we find someone like this?? how is this a possibility. i also need to be sexually attracted to them. sexual attraction is something i have yet to find in an available man.
i am dissatisfied with my progress. how am i supposed to have sex in the rain if i can't find an available man to have it with.
damn those good looking men with the chiseled jaw lines and serious girlfriends. or even just girlfriends. or boyfriends for that matter.
experiments and sex. these things are what i want. partying in a bathing suit aside. i want more.
i want to run around naked and go swimming i want to float my life away being whimsical and frivolous. i want to have someone that i can be close with, spoon have sex and experiment with. life is one big experiment to me. on me.
life in the past was not going outside after dusk, not taking the bus unless totally necessary, being too tired to walk anywhere because i hadn't eaten enough. of objectifying control as happiness and everything else as terrifying.
i miss the ability to do what i want. experimenting on myself is the only way that i can make sure i don't sink. its a new form of control. its more dangerous and fun.
its funny though. the small tasks are easy. the problem is separating my brain from my body. even though i am wanting to see how far i can go i don't want anyone to get hurt in the process. for example the idea of friends with benefits is something i am very interested in. however my status as a victim of rape means i have specific requirements. the friend needs to be understanding and know when I'm not ok. they need to be a good enough friend that I am entirely comfortable with them but at the same time not such a good friend that i am afraid of ruining the friendship or of that person potentially becoming interested in a more substantial thing and therefore being hurt. so how do we find someone like this?? how is this a possibility. i also need to be sexually attracted to them. sexual attraction is something i have yet to find in an available man.
i am dissatisfied with my progress. how am i supposed to have sex in the rain if i can't find an available man to have it with.
damn those good looking men with the chiseled jaw lines and serious girlfriends. or even just girlfriends. or boyfriends for that matter.
experiments and sex. these things are what i want. partying in a bathing suit aside. i want more.
Monday, May 16, 2011
wishes...
sometimes i wish life would just let me go, let me float to where i need to be. that it would peel away all the waiting the pain and the time spent hurting. but then i guess if that happened i wouldn't exactly be the same person would i?
i want to float. to feel every part of me separated from the reality of the day. weightless but not lifeless, calm. still. this is all i want. to be part of the floating ever-moving tide, streaming in out and over. touching only what i want and simply feeling the rest with my soul.
if floating away would help me, i would be gone. if i knew that to be a weightless lifeless soul was happiness, freedom and fulfillment i would already be gone. but i don't know. how can you possibly know.
here i have friends. in the weightless i have nothing not even life. so how is that better.
this is what keeps me wishing. the possibility that floating is not what it seems. that life has more to give.
i want to float. to feel every part of me separated from the reality of the day. weightless but not lifeless, calm. still. this is all i want. to be part of the floating ever-moving tide, streaming in out and over. touching only what i want and simply feeling the rest with my soul.
if floating away would help me, i would be gone. if i knew that to be a weightless lifeless soul was happiness, freedom and fulfillment i would already be gone. but i don't know. how can you possibly know.
here i have friends. in the weightless i have nothing not even life. so how is that better.
this is what keeps me wishing. the possibility that floating is not what it seems. that life has more to give.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
sandcastles...
the structural integrity of a sandcastle is not very good. they are to me just as fragile as human life itself. they reflect the life of their maker, however haphazard or otherwise they are out together, they reflect the person who spent the time making them.
the devastation that occurs to a sandcastle on the beach is reminiscent of the affect a major disaster can have on someone. a person walking along the beach can stamp on your sandcastle or the tide can come in. the tide washes you over regularly, this is the everyday drain on a person, the way in which we are a little bit less at the end of everyday. the foot that destroys us is the major disaster, the earthquake, rape, murder or change in your life or your loved ones. the sand has a ripple effect, the breeze blows the sand on and on, always moving it always changing your life experience.
there is no way to make a sandcastle invincible. you can try but its impossible. the best you can do is make it beautiful, inside and out and make it want to last. you can decorate it with shells and driftwood to shelter it from the storm and maybe it will hold on for that little bit longer.
sandcastles lack as we do the structural integrity that makes a thing last forever.
in this we can see that living for the day not tomorrow or yesterday is the true philosophy by which we should celebrate the ephemeral and perfect nature of life. the life of our sandcastle and us is fragile.
love it while it lasts. and learn from all the people who destroy your castle by stepping in it. build it back up and make your best defense for the sea washing over you laughter. make bubbles in the sea and wait for it to retreat, go swimming for a bit and reassemble yourself. be the sandcastle who has dried in the sun. challenge the elements. just live.
the devastation that occurs to a sandcastle on the beach is reminiscent of the affect a major disaster can have on someone. a person walking along the beach can stamp on your sandcastle or the tide can come in. the tide washes you over regularly, this is the everyday drain on a person, the way in which we are a little bit less at the end of everyday. the foot that destroys us is the major disaster, the earthquake, rape, murder or change in your life or your loved ones. the sand has a ripple effect, the breeze blows the sand on and on, always moving it always changing your life experience.
there is no way to make a sandcastle invincible. you can try but its impossible. the best you can do is make it beautiful, inside and out and make it want to last. you can decorate it with shells and driftwood to shelter it from the storm and maybe it will hold on for that little bit longer.
sandcastles lack as we do the structural integrity that makes a thing last forever.
in this we can see that living for the day not tomorrow or yesterday is the true philosophy by which we should celebrate the ephemeral and perfect nature of life. the life of our sandcastle and us is fragile.
love it while it lasts. and learn from all the people who destroy your castle by stepping in it. build it back up and make your best defense for the sea washing over you laughter. make bubbles in the sea and wait for it to retreat, go swimming for a bit and reassemble yourself. be the sandcastle who has dried in the sun. challenge the elements. just live.
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