its funny that in the beginning i thought this would be a whimsical piece of nonsense and its turned out to be anything but. i guess nothing in my life is filled with much whimsy.
i just had a mild panic attack over a fantasy. i was thinking about what it might be like to have sex with the wolf and then went into the dangerous thoughts of the rape and how i might get over that.
i have for so long had a crush on the wolf but am too nervous of my own mind and what a relationship might mean for me that i freak at every possible point of saying something.
for me the thought of having sex is totally unimaginable and terrifying. the thought of being intimate is ok but when it comes to thinking of actual sex with a real man i panic. still. even when its just me in bed. the thing i am most scared of i think is that he wouldn't understand. that he would think it was nothing and that i should be over it.
how does the thought of me having sex in the same position as when i was raped still have this effect on me. its not even really happening. it is just my fantasy. even the idea of doing this with someone i love and trust made me panic. the fantasy. just the fantasy. when i am clearly in a safe place in my bedroom. i can't even begin to think about what repercussions the reality might bring.
i think maybe i need to tell him. about me. or something. but i don't know how. how is such a difficult one.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
pink or pale.
who really knows which way thinks are going to go? are you going to take a chance and be eft pink or pale. who really can tell. taking a chance is one of those things-sometimes its easy and sometimes its so hard. it feels like everyone is studying you to see what your next move will be.
i know that it is the nature of my friends. they like to be in the loop and generally speaking everyone can read me like an open book. but i can't read anyone else. at least not anyone that i want to be able to read.
the difficult boy to read, he's like a wolf. dark and open, full of mystery and magic. he holds a certain shy protective power. i am terrified of what this means. i want to be daring and just pull him in to me and kiss him. but i don't know how. i'm worried that it will turn out to be too much. that i can't handle it. but i wont know until i try will i?
recently i've been so all over the place. i don't know how to put someone else into that. i guess i also feel like if i don't try these things i won't make any progress. and my god do i want to make progress.
i just want to kiss him. feel his skin against mine. i think this is normal.
at this point i really wish that someone read this. they could give me some advice. i could definitely do with some advice.
i know that it is the nature of my friends. they like to be in the loop and generally speaking everyone can read me like an open book. but i can't read anyone else. at least not anyone that i want to be able to read.
the difficult boy to read, he's like a wolf. dark and open, full of mystery and magic. he holds a certain shy protective power. i am terrified of what this means. i want to be daring and just pull him in to me and kiss him. but i don't know how. i'm worried that it will turn out to be too much. that i can't handle it. but i wont know until i try will i?
recently i've been so all over the place. i don't know how to put someone else into that. i guess i also feel like if i don't try these things i won't make any progress. and my god do i want to make progress.
i just want to kiss him. feel his skin against mine. i think this is normal.
at this point i really wish that someone read this. they could give me some advice. i could definitely do with some advice.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
loneliness
sometimes i feel so lonely that its almost as if there's no hope for anything.
there is a boy, i've probably referred to him before. and i really like him. but it only feels like its going somewhere about half of the time. i want to tell him that i like him but i'm afraid, i totally don't know where i stand with him.
and then there is this other boy that thinks i'm cute. which is a bit annoying but also good. i like that thats what he saw rather than sexy or anything else. but i don't know him at all. and i do have to admit that i was attracted to him when i met him but i've invested so much time thinking of the other boy.
everyone is at school. and i'm not and i'm ok with that but i do miss some of my friends who are just constantly studying.
i am feeling like a very unfortunate person of late-everything seems to be falling apart. and yet i've managed to talk about the drama of having two boys that i could potentially be interested in. clearly i'm a mushy mushy girl. either that or i am skimming so as not to think about the more scary aspects of life.
i feel like everyone is gone and i am left all alone in the middle. life is hard and its getting harder. and i am sitting in the bottom of the shower crying.
all this stuff seems rather trivial really. but the truth is i am depressed. i am falling through the floor, and on monday i started my birthday with an hour long session of tears. something isn't quite right. so fixating on the trivial is what i do. it gets me through. it also makes me very lonely.
there is a boy, i've probably referred to him before. and i really like him. but it only feels like its going somewhere about half of the time. i want to tell him that i like him but i'm afraid, i totally don't know where i stand with him.
and then there is this other boy that thinks i'm cute. which is a bit annoying but also good. i like that thats what he saw rather than sexy or anything else. but i don't know him at all. and i do have to admit that i was attracted to him when i met him but i've invested so much time thinking of the other boy.
everyone is at school. and i'm not and i'm ok with that but i do miss some of my friends who are just constantly studying.
i am feeling like a very unfortunate person of late-everything seems to be falling apart. and yet i've managed to talk about the drama of having two boys that i could potentially be interested in. clearly i'm a mushy mushy girl. either that or i am skimming so as not to think about the more scary aspects of life.
i feel like everyone is gone and i am left all alone in the middle. life is hard and its getting harder. and i am sitting in the bottom of the shower crying.
all this stuff seems rather trivial really. but the truth is i am depressed. i am falling through the floor, and on monday i started my birthday with an hour long session of tears. something isn't quite right. so fixating on the trivial is what i do. it gets me through. it also makes me very lonely.
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